I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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