my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I showed him my bush... on skype.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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