I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
you inspire me to be a worse person
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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