I think I am morally bankrupt
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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