and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
