I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
