4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
