A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
