hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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