If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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