if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
