I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
