are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
