so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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