Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
