I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
