oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
