I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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