I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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