remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
