you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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