he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
