When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
