I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
