I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
