just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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