I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
