Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
