Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
