you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
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