i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
