the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
