Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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