Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
