just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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