All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
