just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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