Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
