she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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