It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
