If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Be still, my beating vagina.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Randomize
