i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
