He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
