Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
