I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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