: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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