She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
