There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
