Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
