i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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