i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
