I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm at about main and main street
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
